Yesterday I blogged about our outhouse. On today’s blog I will tell you about a horrific event of my life that happened in that outhouse in December of 2012. Here is the grim tale:
We were going to have a Christmas Eve gathering at our house. Trevor was going to bring over a slide projector, and everyone was going to show some of their old slides from their youth. I had sorted through some of my old slides and was looking forward to the evening.
Our toilet has been rather sluggish lately, so my wife suggested that since we didn’t want any problems when all of our guests were here, that we should just use the outhouse whenever we had to do any major business.
When I went to bed on Dec. 23rd, my stomach seemed a bit rumbly. Several times during the night, I woke up to more unease in my stomach. At 3:30, I awoke, and realized that I had a problem. I didn’t really relish the thought of going out to the outhouse in the cold night, but it seemed a necessity.
I just wear long johns and a long sleeved T-shirt to bed, and since I wasn’t planning to stay outside very long, I didn’t put on pants; I just walked to the back door and put on my felt pack boots, a hat, and a coat and stepped out into the night.
It was a cold (-22C, -8F) outside. The sky was clear. The stars were sparkling, and the moon made the snow glow with a blue light, as I crunched through the snow to the outhouse. When I got closer to that goal, I felt a sudden urgency, so I quickened my pace, threw open the door, and the toilet lid, pulled down my long johns, and quickly settled my naked behind onto the icy crystals that ringed the toilet seat.
“I made it”, I thought in relief.
My bowels thundered and released in several waves, then I became aware of how light-headed I was beginning to feel, I could hardly think, as my consciousness began to close down. I passed out.
I slowly became aware again, but couldn’t figure out what position I was in. My brain wasn’t really fully engaged. My bottom seemed to be still on the toilet seat, but somehow the rest of me was all scrunched up. Slowly, I figured out that I was slumped over with my head against the outhouse wall. I tried to move, but I was so woozy and I had zero energy, I couldn’t right myself.
I think I was probably in shock, my head was bathed in sweat, which was very cold in the frigid night temperatures. I thought that maybe this was the “Big One”, and I was going to die, alone, there in the outhouse.
After some time passed, I gained enough strength to use my arms to sit upright. Then I suddenly felt like I was about to loose my lunch. I managed to lower myself off of the toilet platform and onto the floor, where I knelt with my head haloed by the toilet seat, my head over the hole. I purged several times from deep and low inside my abdomen.
As my thinking cleared, the thought came to me that when my wife opened the outhouse door, she would find my corpse, bare ass toward the door, and my head inside the toilet hole. It was not a comforting thought.
When my purging seemed to stop, I fought my way up to the toilet seat again. I still didn’t have enough strength to go back to the house, so I sat there, with the sweat still pouring down my face, pondering my pathetic situation. After a time, I did manage to stand up, pull up my long johns and stagger to the back door of the house. There I found Joan putting on her coat, about to come out to see what had happened to me.
I was pale and sweaty, and had blood running down the side of my nose, where I had hit it, falling against the outhouse wall, when I passed out. She helped me to the couch in the living room. I threw up a couple of more times in the bathroom, by that time, she had a bed made up for me on the sofa, complete with a bucket, so I wouldn’t have to climb up and down the steps to my bedroom. I had given up all I had to give, so fortunately, I didn’t need to use the bucket during the night.
The next day, we cancelled the party, and I spent a meal-less the day on the couch. Except for a total lack of energy, I had no symptoms. There has been a stomach flu going around, but in others, it has lasted at least a week. I feel okay now, so whether it was the flu, food poisoning, or the norovirus, I am not sure, but I have never experienced such an intense sudden attack on so many fronts, before.
It was a pretty miserable Christmas Eve, but looking on the bright side, I am happy that my frozen corpse wasn’t discovered in the outhouse.